Confession: It’s been a while since I’ve made any art. I’ve thought about it-a lot-but have spent little time actually making it. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say any but the artistic output has been low since graduating in May 2010. I guess that’s what antepartum and postpartum depression get you. And adjusting to being a parent.
The past year has been really fun but very frustrating for me. I was blessed with a child who slept 12 hours a night after 8 weeks of life, has a happy, laid back disposition, and is pretty low maintenance. Because I “won the baby lottery” I really felt as though I should be able to get my shit together, get a routine going, and pick up life just as it was before, only with an adorable little girl to tag along for the ride.
Ha!
Like millions of people I could probably write a book on the trials and tribulations of adjusting to parenthood but I’ll just say that getting the new routine up and running has been rough. Trying to cram everything that I feel I should do into my day feels virtually impossible. Work, pumping for milk, household responsibilities, maintaining a marriage and friendships, going to the gym, making art……sleep. Glorious sleep. Add in some lingering depression, an (unhealthy) dose of perfectionism, and a lifelong case of Being Too Hard on Oneself and, well, I’ll just reiterate, it’s been rough.
I’ve spoken to some who’ve said that the best thing to do might be to chose between making art and being a mother. I admit that in some ways the thought of giving myself permission to not make art for a while would be very freeing, but at the same time I feel in my heart that it is NOT what I want to do. I want to make art. I want Ruby to grow up seeing me working hard and creating beautiful things. I feel like there is something inside of me that is yearning to be set free and I have a feeling that creating is the only thing that will release it.
(This is what progress looks like, my friends)
So in order to do that, to free whatever is inside of me, I am working on adjusting schedules, streamlining processes, and creating new habits. Less time on the Internet, more time at the gym. Less time watching TV, more time making art. This week has started off quite well. I’ve worked out 3 times and spent a couple of hours working on some of my little cells and brainstorming new ideas. I know that every week may not go so smoothly but even if they don’t I will feel better just knowing that I am legitimately putting in the effort to try and make it happen.
