Two days before Valentine's day, so just over a month ago, my sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks along. I got the call from my brother that night and while I won't go into details all I can say is 1) I didn't know miscarriages could happen that way, and 2) The strength and motherly instincts that my sister-in-law showed that night...let's just say I am in awe and can't think of anything more eloquent to say other than Mad Props. Seriously. 

I don't know my SIL as well as I would like but my brother and I are super close and had talked constantly about pregnancy and child-related things since they got the BFP.  When my family came down to visit in January I took him to Target and hooked him up with some clearance deals on various baby items. Then, in all my vast, vast knowledge (ya know, from having only one kid) I took him through the baby department, told him what things were, and advised on what was really needed and what was not.

I've known people who've suffered from miscarriages but I've never been privy to details other than, "I had a miscarriage a few years back" Like I said above I won't go into details because it's pretty awful, but I've never been so up close and personal with this situation. I've never heard my brother sound so sad and so empty before. Thinking about how he sounded that night and when I talked to him the next morning makes me cry...it was just horrible. 

At the hospital they were able to find out the sex of the baby. It was a little boy. They named him Derek Michael, the middle name in honor of my SIL's father who recently passed away. He's been cremated and is now home with his mom and dad. 

I am so immensely sad for both my brother and SIL but I don't feel like I can express just how sorry I am with words. Whenever I try whatever I say just sounds horribly insufficient. There's been a lot of "I'm so sorry" and "I don't know what to say." because both are true and that's about all I got. It feels selfish to talk about MY feelings in a situation like this but I'm sad too, I lost my nephew. A nephew that I was very, very excited to meet and get to know. I'm sad for them, I'm sad for grandparents, I'm sad for Ruby who won't get to know her cousin but grateful that she's too young to wrap her head around what happened. 

Again, the distance between Minnesota and Kentucky is a curse because I so want to be there for them. Buuuut...as selfish and maybe awful as this is, I am glad to have a 900 mile buffer between myself and horrible sadness. Not that I haven't cried or been horribly sad, because I most certainly have. When it comes down to it though, I'd trade the buffer for a chance to be there with them.

Thankfully they've had overwhelming support from friends, family, and even strangers, both online and in person. One woman that my brother had called regarding daycare happened to return his call the day after the miscarriage. My brother told her what had happened and a few days later they received a letter in the mail from her saying how sorry she was and sharing with them her own experience with miscarriage.  My brother texted me and said, "People are so nice. It's amazing. I've wanted to cry just because of the support we've gotten." 

This past weekend was b-e-a-utiful! FINALLY there was lots of sunny goodness. Walks were taken, yoga was done, birthdays were celebrated, sidewalks were chalked, kilns were fired, and naps were taken. Oh, and the room darkening curtains seemed to do the trick. Yay for little girls sleeping until 8:30! (four years ago I would have been livid at waking up by 8:30 on the weekends, lol) 

We are now officially in the terrible threes and it's been, well, pretty terrible. 

Oh, Rubes. 

She doesn't listen AT ALL. I can tell her something ten times and she won't do it. For example, putting her coat on in the morning so we can get to daycare on time so I can get to work on time. I am probably more generous than I should be as far as how many times I tell her to do something before some sort of punishment is dished out (spanking, time out, revoking of privileges). I guess I do that because I want to give her a chance to do the right thing before I deal out the punishment that I dealt to her not 5 minutes ago for some other offense (or maybe even the same offense). Other offenses are eating on the couch, shoes on the couch, messing with the cats, spitting, etc. I seriously feel like all I do lately is punish her for one thing or another.

She doesn't DO crazy things. Like, I've never found her in the kitchen with a full bag of flour spread all over the place. Well, I did find her behind a chair spreading Neosporin all over her face...and there was the incident with the Chapstick...And when she ate all those TUMS....Okay, so she does do crazy stuff like that. But at least in the case of those things I can find the humor in them. 

What I don't find funny and what super pisses me off is the back talking and attitude that she gives us. She does this chin thing where you'll say something and she'll look at you, jut out her chink and go, "ungh!" And recently she's started doing the same thing but instead of the chin jut and "ungh" she looks at you and hisses like a snake. There were a couple times this past weekend where I told her to do something, probably a billion times, and she walked away from me down the hall and I heard her say, "shut up" under her breath.

She can be kind of cruel too. There have been several times where she's said stuff like, "I don't like you!" and "Go away from me!" One time H walked in the room and she said, "I don't want you here!" I don't particularly care that she says, "I don't like you" to me. I don't know if she understands what she's saying or not and it's not my job to be her friend, I'm her parent. H on the other hand does take it quite personally when she is mean like that and his feelings get hurt.

I've spoken with her daycare provider and other than wanting stuff when she wants it and taking it, she is fine there. She assured me that the behavior that I described to her is typical of a three year old. I figured as much but I wanted to make sure that there wasn't something going on that needed to be addressed. It was nice to have confirmation that I am not just being a terrible parent after all. 

On top of the general terribleness she has suddenly decided that 6:00 am is an appropriate wake up time. So. Not. Cool. H got up with her this past Saturday (and I slept til 10am-glorious!) and then I got up with her on Sunday. Needless to say it was my turn to be grumpy pants. So what if 6am is the time that I usually get up to go to work. I swear my body goes into weekend mode and it does not matter that I've been up at the time 5 days in a row. Weekends are for waking up no earlier than 8am. although I'd prefer 9am. When I asked why she was getting up so early she said, "Because it's light out!" Ha, barely! Light blocking curtains have officially been purchased and I am looking forward to sleeping a little later this weekend. Or at the very least really, really hoping for it.