Laurie Appleby-Williams
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March 14th, 2014

3/14/2014

5 Comments

 
Two days before Valentine's day, so just over a month ago, my sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks along. I got the call from my brother that night and while I won't go into details all I can say is 1) I didn't know miscarriages could happen that way, and 2) The strength and motherly instincts that my sister-in-law showed that night...let's just say I am in awe and can't think of anything more eloquent to say other than Mad Props. Seriously. 

I don't know my SIL as well as I would like but my brother and I are super close and had talked constantly about pregnancy and child-related things since they got the BFP.  When my family came down to visit in January I took him to Target and hooked him up with some clearance deals on various baby items. Then, in all my vast, vast knowledge (ya know, from having only one kid) I took him through the baby department, told him what things were, and advised on what was really needed and what was not.

I've known people who've suffered from miscarriages but I've never been privy to details other than, "I had a miscarriage a few years back" Like I said above I won't go into details because it's pretty awful, but I've never been so up close and personal with this situation. I've never heard my brother sound so sad and so empty before. Thinking about how he sounded that night and when I talked to him the next morning makes me cry...it was just horrible. 

At the hospital they were able to find out the sex of the baby. It was a little boy. They named him Derek Michael, the middle name in honor of my SIL's father who recently passed away. He's been cremated and is now home with his mom and dad. 

I am so immensely sad for both my brother and SIL but I don't feel like I can express just how sorry I am with words. Whenever I try whatever I say just sounds horribly insufficient. There's been a lot of "I'm so sorry" and "I don't know what to say." because both are true and that's about all I got. It feels selfish to talk about MY feelings in a situation like this but I'm sad too, I lost my nephew. A nephew that I was very, very excited to meet and get to know. I'm sad for them, I'm sad for grandparents, I'm sad for Ruby who won't get to know her cousin but grateful that she's too young to wrap her head around what happened. 

Again, the distance between Minnesota and Kentucky is a curse because I so want to be there for them. Buuuut...as selfish and maybe awful as this is, I am glad to have a 900 mile buffer between myself and horrible sadness. Not that I haven't cried or been horribly sad, because I most certainly have. When it comes down to it though, I'd trade the buffer for a chance to be there with them.

Thankfully they've had overwhelming support from friends, family, and even strangers, both online and in person. One woman that my brother had called regarding daycare happened to return his call the day after the miscarriage. My brother told her what had happened and a few days later they received a letter in the mail from her saying how sorry she was and sharing with them her own experience with miscarriage.  My brother texted me and said, "People are so nice. It's amazing. I've wanted to cry just because of the support we've gotten." 
5 Comments
Amy
3/14/2014 03:05:10 am

:( I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and I feel lucky to have had it "early" and without complication... but I understand the loss you are talking about. I'm more of a "leave me alone to deal with my grief" kind of person... but my close friends at work got me flowers and the gesture was beyond appreciated. Kindness matters. I hope they are able to find healing by using their grief to help others going through similar pain... and by coming together instead of isolating from each other. I am So sorry for your family's loss. The March of Dimes March for Babies is coming up in late April both here in Lex and in MN. It may be something to consider doing to help with the grieving and healing process.

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Stacey
3/14/2014 05:57:05 am

Please share my support and condolences with your SIL and brother. As someone who has endured multiple losses, my husband and I know the sadness that follows. We lost 4 pregnancies (2 natural and 2 dnc) in less than 2 years and with each loss the fear of never holding one of our babies became almost too much to handle. The last of which was a tetrasomy 13, where the doctors said she would never make it and we sadly had to wait for her little heart to stop beating before they could do anything. After that we did thousands of dollars of genetic testing, which gave us no definitive answers, and had a doctor at Lexington PDC tell me that due to my history and advanced maternal age (32) we should look into adoption. Thankfully, I am stubborn to a fault and we got pregnant again 4 months later with our gorgeous "take home baby". Being pregnant with him was full of fears and anxieties, but no major complications. He is now 6 months old and the brightest light and joy we could ever imagine. Without all of the pain we wouldn't be who we are today and wouldn't take a second with our son for granted. At the last minute, while I was being induced, we decided to change his middle name to the name we had picked out for the boy in our first pregnancy. We hadn't uttered his name aloud until that emotional moment. But now every time we say it, it gets easier to know that he will always be with us, and so will all the other little angels. Please tell them that it gets better with time and they are not alone. It is a good lesson to everyone- to never ask a couple when they are planning to have children - as that we never know what battles others are fighting.

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Joann link
3/14/2014 11:24:44 am

So sorry to hear about your family's loss, Laurie. Pregnancy is so exciting, with all the expectations of how life will change and what baby will be like. It's an emotional trauma when that suddenly ends. The fact that you and others are supporting them through this will make so much difference to them and mean so much. My thoughts are with you all.

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Mrs. Gamgee
3/17/2014 08:07:59 am

I am so sorry to hear about their loss. I know all too well the pain of losing a longed for little one. Sending prayers for peace and healing for them, and you.

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Elizabeth
4/16/2014 01:41:55 am

I'm sorry for your loss. I've experienced this at 13 weeks… oftentimes I still catch myself wondering what that child would have been like.. and it's six years and two healthy kids later. The feeling of longing never goes away but luckily neither does the connection. That baby boy will live forever in your hearts. I don't know if there is a right thing to say in these situations. For me it just helped to know that I had family who loved me and was there for me if I needed to talk about things, and understood how heartbreaking it was… I needed support to move on and past that sad experience. It sounds like you are handling it the best that you can. Thinking of you and your family.

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