Or rather, I do. So this is happening...

Yep, I am pregnant with baby number two. Almost 38 weeks to be exact. If you know about my pregnancy you're my husband, my child, my midwife, my doula, my massage therapist, an observant co-worker, good friend, or family member. I have told random people as I've seen them out and about if the topic presents itself but haven't felt the need to make a huge deal of it on FB or really in general. (please don't feel offended about just finding out, its nothing personal) I've been keeping things on the DL for a smattering of reasons: I didn't/don't want people to treat me differently, (I am certainly capable of lifting those boxes, etc. thank you), I just like to do things my own way without judgment from others (helping build giant play sets, doing boudoir sessions, eating copious amounts of sashimi and soft cheeses, etc), but mostly I like that the experience is a private(ish) thing between Heath, Ruby, and I. 

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? At this point I basically don't care anymore, I'm kind of in the home stretch and officially on maternity leave, plus I feel like by not being able to talk about my pregnancy and what I've been feeling about it that I've held myself back when it comes to this blog which is ultimately a diary of my life, my thoughts and feelings. Sure, I could do this in private, and I have been, but for whatever reason I am driven to share words with whomever should happen to stop by my little place on the Web. (Perhaps this is the storyteller in me that my great-grandma tried to force out of me as I was growing up but I denied ever existed?)  

That being said, things are going great. Although I did have "morning" sickness this time around (I didn't with Ruby) but once December and January passed things were all good. Emotionally I haven't had to deal with the anxiety like I did the first time around (thank god) but I was feeling more depressed for a while so I opted to take Wellbutrin which has seemed to help (along with the end of that ridiculously long winter, more sun, and getting my energy back at the end of Jan). I've been spoiling myself with massage on a regular basis (weekly at this point), a splurge, most definitely, but totally worth it. 

I've had the usual doubts that I assume most sane people have when embarking on a journey such as this. There's been lots of "what the hell were we thinking" mostly when dealing with Ruby's terrible threes moments. There was, and still is, stress when it comes to the cost of two kids in daycare (ffffuuuuuuuck!) and unresolved future plans around that. I've felt guilt for having a healthy pregnancy while my SIL and brother lost their first child (we were only 6 weeks apart) and I've been dealing with issues of identity and this whole mom thing, an ongoing challenge in my life. 

Ruby is excited to have a brother or a sister (we don't know the sex) but I had to explain to her that there is no "brother AND sister" only "brother OR sister" after several people at her daycare asked me if I was having twins. She was very disappointed by that conversation. All in all I think she will handle being a big sister quite swimmingly, as long as the green-eyed monster doesn't emerge when her favorite-st person EVER, grandpa, holds the baby. 

Only a few weeks now, give or take. The next few weeks or however long I have will be spent getting stuff done (major, major nesting going on at this point), relaxing, sleeping, enjoying our time alone with Ruby, and trying to squeeze in time with friends and for just Heath and I. Okay, little one, I think we're going to be shooting more for 'later' rather than 'sooner'...

Her sleeping habits have changed. A nap is no longer a guarantee but they still happen, for the most part. Instead of nap time we call it quiet time though. She doesn't have to sleep as long as she stays in her room and is quiet she is free to play, color, read, whatever. Most of the time she ends up falling asleep. On days she doesn't sleep an early, or at the very least, easy bedtime is all but guaranteed. In the morning she usually doesn't sleep past 8 any longer which really sucks and our attempts at subliminally telling her to sleep until 10 have so far been unsuccessful. We've also found her asleep in random places such as on a massive pile of books on the floor in the corner and right behind her bedroom door. In both cases she had her pillow, a blanket, and had been reading. 

We've backed off on the screen time quite a bit. There was basically none for the first two years then we realized how glorious it was to just throw on Dinosaur Train and be able to run off and do something, anything in peace. However, the tv (and iPad) just turned Ruby into an even more of a whiny little punk. She's much better behaved when tv isn't involved and listening to her as she's off playing in her room is adorable and hilarious. She still watches stuff, but it's usually only an episode or two of something on the weekends. 

Heath and I rarely exchange gifts, on any occasion really. I don't know how we got into that habit but this year, it being our ten year anniversary and all, I decided to break tradition. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to get him so when the opportunity to book a boudoir session, complete with hair and make-up, with Seriously Sabrina Photography presented itself I said, "Fuck it. YOLO, right?" and went ahead and booked it after a little encouragement from a friend. 

The session was just around the corner, like less than a week away, when I booked it so I had to very quickly find and order some lingerie and then have it rush delivered to ensure timely arrival. I basically only had one shot at it so if what I chose didn't work, well, I'd totally be SOL. Thankfully everything worked out quite well and I happened to find the perfect shoes collecting dust in my closet. (unfortunately Ruby wrangling and Tar.get-ting are not all that conducive to 7" blue suede platform heels. Who would've thought??)

I worked the day of the session and afterwards went over the Hilton over at Lexington Green. I am sure the guy at the front desk wondered what the heck was going on when I walked by the desk carrying blue heels and a bright red tulle skirt. I was nervous, being that I rarely flaunt myself in sexy lingerie in front of Heath, let alone complete strangers and a camera, but I already knew the make-up artist and everyone else involved was super cool. By the time my turn came (there were other women getting pictures done as well. I was the only one getting them done for anniversary purposes, most were doing them for wedding gifts for their future hubbies, and I was probably a good 10 years older than most of the other girls) I was standing out in the room in my corset like it something that I did all the time. Did I mention that there were mimosas?

Getting my make-up done was strange only because I never really wear make-up, only a bit of mascara and lipstick every once in a blue moon. This time I was wearing everything AND for the first time, fake lashes, which I instantly loved, loved, loved and want to wear every day if only I could apply them. (I have tried once since and it was an epic fail) My hair, sigh, I wish it could look like that ALL the time. CURSE not winning the lottery and having my own personal stylist on hand each morning! 

Okay, so I may or may not have Googled "boudoir photo poses" and stuff like that beforehand, so that I'd be a rock star in front of the camera. (by "stuff like that" I mean I practiced in front of the mirror in the bedroom, door locked) I'd have my POT LEDOM moment and hit all my angles correctly and wouldn't Tyra be oh so proud of me?! I'm fiercely real, bitch! *snap-snap-snap*

Hahahahaha. No. Instead as soon as I stepped up to the curtain I forgot all that I'd practiced and I felt like such a DORK and immediatly began my crazy uncomfortable laughter thing that I do along with making crazy faces. Thankfully, Sabrina was good at directing me and reassuring me that even though it might feel strange, "trust me, it looks amazing!" In the end the shoot turned out to be a ton of fun. I still felt like a dork but it was fun :) 

I left the session feeling pa-retty dang good about myself and on a crazy adrenaline rush that ended about 10 minutes afterwards. All of the sudden I was crazy ass hungry and friggin' exhausted! I drove straight to McD's, wolfed down a cheeseburger, and then picked up Ruby from daycare. When she saw me in my make up she asked who painted my lips and eyes, lol.  Which made me realize, Shit! How am I going to explain the make up and hair when I get home?? There was no way that I was taking off my makeup or getting rid of my curls right away so I ended up telling Heath that I had been a model for my friend Laura who works for Mary Kay. Which is not totally a lie because Laura was the one who did my makeup that day! Woot! 


Okay, so here are a few photos from the session: 

The session was done back in March and our anniversary was May 22. It was hard to have to sit on these for so long. I was DYING to give them to him because I knew 1. That he'd totally friggin' love them, and 2. He would definitely NOT be expecting this as my gift since this is something that was most definitely out of my box. I may or may not have told him, "You are going to frickin' LOVE your anniversary gift" which btw inadvertently put the pressure on him to get me an equally as awesome gift. As excited as I was to give them to him when the moment finally came I became nervous. Silly, because he's certainly seen me more naked than this, not to mention giving birth which is pretty much the end all, be all of seeing your significant other in a raw, unfiltered way and these were so, SO much more flattering than all that business. (trust me, I have photographic evidence of that as well)

Not to get too detailed (you're welcome) but we'll just say that he liked them very much. Even though these were meant as a gift to him truthfully the session was a gift to myself as well. Everyone deserves to get pampered every once in a while! And even though it's odd for me to see myself in photos like this I am SO happy that I went outside of my comfort zone and did it in the first place. I really didn't think I'd ever have the balls to do something like this. As a bonus now I have these photos to look back on in the future and be all like, "Daaaamn, I was smokin'!" And hopefully when Ruby comes across them accidentally way, way far into the future she'll think the same thing and not be traumatized by them. ;)