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Stop and Smell the Baby.

8/30/2014

Yesterday, as I picked up Jasper he settled into the most perfect snuggle position on my shoulder. I realized, as I sat there rubbing his back and smelling his little head, that I don't snuggle him very often. This isn't intentional. Usually I am feeding him or I'm feeding him again or changing him or trying to get him to calm down. If it's not him I'm trying not to completely ignore Ruby, make at least some physical form of contact with Heath, or keep the house from entering Level Chaos in the cleanliness department. Last, but not least, I am trying to take just a little bit of time to myself. Snuggling takes a back burner.

In perhaps a more inspirational post I'd end by saying something along the lines of make sure that you are taking the time to snuggle because they grow up so fast, dont'cha know. But you probably already know that and feel guilty that you don't do it more. No guilt trips here! Just do the best you can!

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Confidence Bucket List

8/19/2014

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Recently another blogger that I follow, Authentically Emmie (via Brittany, Herself) wrote out her list of things she wished she had the confidence to do. Here's my list because, unless you want a post all about the joys of breastfeeding a newborn with a bottomless pit for a stomach (just a hint, it's not awesome), this is all I have right now!

1. Get a new job. I've been with Target for almost 17 years now. I like my job, I'm really, really good at it, I work with awesome people, and I get paid a nice hourly rate-I know, I know, sounds just *awful*, right?-but is it really what I want to do with the rest of my life? I really wish that I could be content with my job but hours are sketchy (some weeks I may get 30 hours, some weeks I'll get 10) and I don't feel like I'm contributing much to anything other than a big fat bonus into a CEO's wallet. A HUGE part of it, of course, is a comfort zone thing. I'm comfortable where I'm at, I'm good at what I do and I've been doing it forever! The thought of a new job is a little terrifying!

2. Join Roller Derby Lite. My time in full-fledged roller derby was kind of a flop. Long story short I fell multiple times during a practice, broke my tailbone, and cried. It really hurt! I think RDL is more my speed but I'm still afraid of hurting myself. (I have been more afraid of physical injury like broken bones, etc. ever since I broke my ankle in 2011). But still, I love to skate and I think it would be a lot of fun.

3. Wear the clothes I really want to wear. Not just pin them on my Pinterest board. Sure, most of what I usually admire when window shopping are pin-up style, boob-tastic dresses which are completely unrealistic for my life (dealing with kids, Tgt requires red/khaki) but still, there has got to be some sort of compromise between the dresses and the yoga pants/t-shirts that I feel like I am constantly wearing now. Oh, Stacey and Clinton, I wish you were still in business!

4. Move to a new city. For whatever reason I have been really, really wanting to move lately. Quite a few friends of mine have recently moved to new places and I've been a little envious of the fact that they get to go somewhere new and start over. I guess it feels like a bit of a challenge, too, something that will get Heath and I out of our comfort zones. And hopefully Heath into a better job. Of course this could just be a case of "the grass is greener".

5. Get a large tattoo. I have three tattoos but they are small and inconspicuous. I want something BRIGHT, BIG, and BOLD. I have a few ideas up on my Pinterest board but I have yet to make a decision as to what that bright, big, and bold design would be.

6. Pose naked for a drawing class. The thought of being so comfortable with my body that I could stand completely nude in front of total strangers while they sketch me is totally foreign to me. But dammit, I really want to be that comfortable with myself!

7. Write this blog the way I really want to. I have been blogging on a semi-consistant basis since about 2006. Mostly it's just been fluffy, a record of "what I did today" blah blah blah. The thing I feel most compelled to write about right now is, shocker, being a mom, but more specifically about my journey to accepting myself as "mom". So why don't I? Apparently because I am 36 and deep down I still care what people think. Also, I don't consider myself that strong of a writer (so if you've told me that you like my writing style-thank you!) and wonder if I could ever be organized enough when putting my thoughts on the subject out there and not be totally all over the place and confusing.

I'm sure I'll come up with more things as I think on the topic but since I'd rather this post didn't get lost in the abyss of my drafts box, I'm just going to go ahead and publish it. I'd love to hear what you'd put on YOUR list!

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Jasper's Birth: Part 1

8/12/2014

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On Friday, 07/25/14 I was just over the 41 week mark. Heath and I went to the OB for another ultrasound to see how things were going since we were nearing the kind of universally agreed upon deadline for baby growing of 42 weeks. I was excited because I would get confirmation that indeed everything was going well, it was another chance to see him/her, and maybe find out the sex. Squeee! We'd (meaning ME) had wanted to know at the 20-week scan but someone wasn't cooperating. Heath was content to wait but I really, really, really (really, really, really) wanted to know.

During the appointment the tech took measurements and started making comments about how big the baby was going to be. Just what everyone wants to hear. I figured that he/she'd be larger than Ruby, she was pretty small, but I still wasn't expecting the tech to say that he/she was clocking in at around 11 pounds. In my head I was like, ffuuuuuck! but I also know that these measurements are not the most accurate ever (they were off by 2 pounds with Ruby). Besides that everything else was looking good; heart rate, amniotic levels, breathing rate etc.

I asked if they could tell the sex, and, since Heath didn't want to know he stood facing the corner while she searched. I knew before she typed the words on the screen. It was quite obvious that it was a B-O-Y. I cried, in a good way. I instantly wanted to tell Heath and share the excitement with him but I only bugged him about it once and then I stopped. I just had to make sure that I kept switching back and forth between "he" and "she" in our conversations! (Do I regret finding out ahead of time? Absolutely not. Knowing did not take away from my birth experience)

After the tech left the doctor came in and went over the results. He asked if I had the gestational diabeetus, because apparently most of the time women do not have as much amniotic fluid as I did that late in the game unless they are diabetic. I insisted that I did NOT but he brought it up again several times, which was frustrating.

Did you know that if you previously gave birth to a child that was only 6.12, that there is no way that you can give birth to a child nearing or exceeding 11 pounds? Apparently that is the case, as the doc insisted that he didn't think it was physically possible for me to do so. I know this is bs because my mom had a 11.7-er and I know other people who are much more petite than myself that have given birth to large babies. Way to be encouraging, dude. Gees.

So because of the (supposed) size he didn't think that I was a candidate for a home birth or even a vaginal birth. It was recommend that I have a c-section, sometime in the next few days. For the next 10 minutes the doctor went on to describe the reasons WHY I should have a c-section: Increased risk of shoulder distocia (shoulders getting stuck behind the pubic bone during delivery) which could lead to a difficult delivery, nerve damage, broken clavicle, death of the baby or death of me. I don't think Heath and I said anything the whole time, we were just kind of like, "Whaaaaa....?' It definitely wasn't what we expected to hear.

Even though I knew that I am was perfectly capable of giving birth to a large child (that is kind of what my body was designed to do after all) when someone tells you, "you or your baby could DIE!" I don't know, I freaked out a little. The next day was spent stressing, talking things over with our midwife and doula, reading a lot of research, and trying to listen to my instincts instead of just being scared shitless. I absolutely did not want to have a c-section, for many reasons; being given antibiotics during the procedure, longer recovery time, being separated from the baby after birth, the fact that the baby would not be exposed to helpful bacteria from the birth canal, etc. For me a c-section was just the exact opposite of everything that I hoped my birthing experience would be.

Of course, when it came down to it though the most important thing was the health of the baby. Since my amniotic fluid levels were good and he was overall still very healthy we decided to wait (even though the doc was willing to come in the next day, on a Saturday, to do the procedure). If the weekend had passed and nothing happened we'd do the c-section on Monday or Tuesday but even that deadline created stress for both Heath and I. Eventually we decided to ditch the Mon/Tues deadline and just stick with our original plan of a home birth unless I actually did make it to 42 weeks with no action. Of course, thankfully, we ended up not having to wait that long.

To be continued...

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Mon, Aug 4, 2014

8/4/2014

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Rocking Ruby's sleeper.

Well, it's been just over a week since Jasper burst into the world. Like after Ruby was born it feels like he's always been a part of the family. There's been and will be more adjustments for sure but for the most part things have been pretty smooth. He is a pretty chill baby. He really only cries for a few reasons:

1. He is about to have an ass-'splosion.

2. He's naked.

3. He's hungry.

He sleeps pretty well, maybe a bit too well. I often have to wake him up to feed him or to roust him while I am feeding him so that he'll get enough to eat. Not that I am complaining. I value sleep too much and am happy to get 3 hours in a row at night. Speaking of sleep, now that I am no longer hugely pregnant, ohmygosh, sleeping is SO much more comfy. I can lay on my stomach again, my hips don't hurt, I can roll over with ease. It. Is. GLORIOUS!

The biggest adjustment for me has been the fact that Jasper is a HE. The first time I changed his diaper and was faced with his penis and tiny balls I was like, Uuummmm, Holy crap! what do I do with these?? You'd think that I was handling a stick of dynamite that could explode at any moment as I wiped him off. I've been peed on, peed at, and shat at more times in this past week than ever before in my life. Most of this has taken place at the changing table but yesterday during book club I was holding him and out of nowhere he just started peeing all over me. I have no idea how it escaped through diaper and clothing. Of course I'd brought spare clothes for him but didn't think that I'd need some for myself!

Of course, a major difference this time around is of course having Ruby to take care of as well. People ask how she's doing with Jasper all the time and I'd love to say, "Oh, yeah, she's doing so great!" But we've had some issues. Her listening, which we didn't think could get any worse, has, she's a little rough with him at times, and she's decided that peeing in the corner of her room is the cool thing to do. I know things will get better and thankfully I've found the patience to deal and my shit has not slid off my cracker just yet. It's not all bad though, she is eager to help, and basically does almost everything that I ask her to do when it comes to getting things for him and handing me things when I'm stuck on the couch feeding him. I think she likes him but he's far too inactive for her taste.

Heath goes back to work on Thursday which sucks mainly because its been nice spending time together. Because Ruby is in daycare I'm not worried about handling two on my own. Not so sure how I'll fare in two weeks when Heath goes to GenCon in Indianapolis but we'll just hope for the best.

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Introducing...

7/27/2014

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Jasper Orion
Born at home on July 27th
4:15am
9lbs. 11oz.
22"

Birth story coming soon!

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40w6d

7/22/2014

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I don't even need to say it, do I? Nope. Still, no kidlette, and nothing in the way of any kind of regular and productive contractions. And trust me, I've tried pretty much everything, and then some other not-so-conventional things to get things going.

Thankfully, feeling pretty good, although I don't know how much more stretching my belly can take (it's been surprisingly resilient!). It's hard as a rock most of the time. I poke it a lot because I am constantly amazed at just how hard it is. (that's what she said) I did start having some swelling yesterday. Ugh. Cankles are just not cool. And I will be quite happy when I don't have old lady hips at night anymore.

BUT I am trying to be patient and just go with the flow. Ruby was 3 days late and was only 6lbs, 12oz. So maybe the kid just needs some more time to cook. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of mental block in place that's delaying birth, but as much as I believe in a mind/body connection I know that eventually my body would get to the point and it would be like, "Let's do this thing!"

For the hell of it, my predictions for this one:

Girl (real scientific on this one-because the Chinese birth chart said so and it was correct for Ruby)
7 lbs, 6 oz.
21.5"

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40w2d

7/18/2014

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I am still with child. Silly me, I really thought I'd go early this time around. Shows what I know! Ah well. Now I'm just basically trying to keep myself occupied and not let myself get into stressed out mode, which I'm only succeeding at about 50% of the time. Things I'm trying to avoid: "haven't you had that baby yet??" and "what are you doing about childcare?"

Ugh. Let's seriously NOT talk about that.

This morning my car decided to not start while I was at the store but thankfully a good samaritan jumped me (well, the car) and I was on my way within five minutes. After that was a trip to the auto store where turn around was also quick, much quicker than I thought it would be. Battery tested and replaced within 30 minutes. Hell yes.

Now I'm getting a mani/pedi, something I usually don't do for myself. But hey, I'm 40w2d pregnant so I figured what the hell. Also, I had my toes painted green when I delivered Ruby (Heath called them my Hulk toes) so I figured I'd continue the tradition, this time with purple and green.

And you had best believe that this whole time I have been willing my water to break, possible public humiliation be damned! We'll just ignore the fact that most of the time labor does not actually begin this way. It happened with Ruby so it can happen again, right?

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Ruby: Clothing Edition

7/11/2014

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Pretty much my favorite thing to do for Ruby is to shop for her clothes. LOVE it. She doesn't have an overabundance of toys but I am guilty of going overboard when it comes to her clothes (and books, good lord does that child have a lot of books). I've always disliked my own personal style so I feel like, at least for now, I can live vicariously through her wardrobe. I'll be sad the day that she's all like, "Ugh, mom, that's so ugly!"
As far as sizing she's always been right on with her age. (at 12 month was was wearing 12m. etc.) I feel like she stays in one size for a long time too. I haven't had one of those moments where I put something on her that just fit and all of the sudden it magically doesn't. I have no doubt that she'll be in her 3T's for the rest of the year, although I have noticed that her dresses have gotten a bit shorter in the past few months. In shoes she is currently in an 8. I have no basis for comparison but when I tell people this sometimes they are shocked and think she has tiny feet ("My 18 m.o. is wearing a 10!"). I dunno, but I am willing her feet not to go above a size 10. Selection drops off greatly after that!

98% of her clothes are from the clearance rack, thrift stores, or hand-me-downs. It's very, very rare that I pay full price for something.
I am not partial to any particular store but most of her stuff comes from Target, Old Navy, or GAP. When GAP has an additional 40% off on their clearance you can get stuff crazy, crazy cheap. Like cheaper than Target cheap. (These sales happen usually around the holidays)

she has a bigger closet than Heath and I

I avoid buying sets. If the grandparents buy one (which happens often) I break up the pieces. I hate the term "match" and am pretty liberal with what I think works well together.
I let her pick out her clothes by herself. I think it's important that she cultivate her own little style. Red pouffy tulle dress in the middle of June? Why not? Otherwise it's just sitting in the closet collecting dust. I only put the kibosh on her choice if it's weather inappropriate or she's dragging ass when it comes to making a decision. If I pick her clothes out I usually try to pick the clothes that she tends to avoid, like shorts and tops. She's way more into dresses right now.

I limit, but don't completely avoid, p-i-n-k. I don't want her to be consumed completely by the pink monster but to be aware that it is just one of many colors in the rainbow. I also don't care if she wears boy clothes.
Things I do avoid: pastels, logos, writing and characters (with few exceptions), those pants with the ruffles at the bottom, and camo print. I hate camo print with the ferocity of a thousand suns.

another reason to not spend a lot of $

As you can see she loves the purple rain boots. She probably wears them 50% of the time even though her shoe selection rivals probably any of you ladies out there. (my bad. cute shoes are hard to resist when they are under $5 and you get an employee discount) I didn't realize it would be so hard to find rain boots without overtly girly prints or characters, in bright colors, that weren't like $50 or more. These were $7 well spent. Thanks, Kmart!
Heath and I are both very much hoping for a little girl for round 2. (Can you say Most Epic Girl Name EVER?) I did ditch all of Ruby's clothes up to 24 months but after that I will have an assload of hand-me-downs for the kid. Financially it will be quite handy to be able to reuse some of her clothes. Of course if SHE ends up being HE then, oh darn, looks like I have to go shopping. Actually, I know I'll have a hard time finding boys clothes that I like. I've already been Googling "punk kids clothing" and stuff like, perusing Pinterest and Etsy in an effort to avoid the Big 3 for Boys: Puppies, Cars, and Sports.

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July 07th, 2014

7/7/2014

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It was a pretty uneventful three day weekend. We celebrated the 4th with our friends on Thursday evening with good food (Ruby ate three cupcakes), adult conversation, and fireworks. I think we meant to do something fun and/or productive on the actual holiday but we didn't for whatever reason.

"too loud!!"

Saturday I got together with friends and tried the Wallace Station Deli for the first time-YUM! Afterwards we went on a photo tour of the abandoned Old Crow Distillery in Frankfort, KY.

The tour, lead by those who bought the property with the goal of reestablishing the site as a new distillery, was interesting but most of the time I was lagging behind the group taking photos. The whole thing was basically a texture photographers wet dream.

In baby news, still no indication that he/she will be here in the very near future. LOTS of movement but that's about it. I choose not to be checked as far as dilation goes so I have no idea what is going on up in there. Fuck. I can't believe that it's week 39 already.

I'm ready, not because I am physically taxed or anything, but I am ready as far as just wanting things to be done so I can stop worrying about the WHEN and all of the other logistical things surrounding birth (where will Ruby be when it all goes down, if my doula will be able to attend my birth).

In general I am somewhat anxious about how things will go this time around. I'm not sure how likely it is that I'll have a wham-bam-thank-you-mam quick (but very intense) birth again and I'm trying to not get caught up in the idea that some second deliveries are faster than the first. I feel like if I do then I won't be mentally prepared to handle it if things last longer. But at the same time I don't want to be all gloom and doom, oh my god I'm going to be in labor for 48 hours ohthehumanity!! because, you know, self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

So I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst while also remaining optimistic that things will go as smoothly the second time around. Two words. Mind. Fuck. Or these two: Over Thinking. But that's just how I roll, my friends, I can't help myself! If I really calm down and get out of my head, I do fully trust my body to know what to do and sooner rather than later I'll be doped up on those amazing endorphins that got me through the first time around.

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My Baby's Got A Secret

6/27/2014

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Or rather, I do. So this is happening...

Obligatory bump selfie in bathroom with terrible lighting.

Yep, I am pregnant with baby number two. Almost 38 weeks to be exact. If you know about my pregnancy you're my husband, my child, my midwife, my doula, my massage therapist, an observant co-worker, good friend, or family member. I have told random people as I've seen them out and about if the topic presents itself but haven't felt the need to make a huge deal of it on FB or really in general. (please don't feel offended about just finding out, its nothing personal) I've been keeping things on the DL for a smattering of reasons: I didn't/don't want people to treat me differently, (I am certainly capable of lifting those boxes, etc. thank you), I just like to do things my own way without judgment from others (helping build giant play sets, doing boudoir sessions, eating copious amounts of sashimi and soft cheeses, etc), but mostly I like that the experience is a private(ish) thing between Heath, Ruby, and I.

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? At this point I basically don't care anymore, I'm kind of in the home stretch and officially on maternity leave, plus I feel like by not being able to talk about my pregnancy and what I've been feeling about it that I've held myself back when it comes to this blog which is ultimately a diary of my life, my thoughts and feelings. Sure, I could do this in private, and I have been, but for whatever reason I am driven to share words with whomever should happen to stop by my little place on the Web. (Perhaps this is the storyteller in me that my great-grandma tried to force out of me as I was growing up but I denied ever existed?)

That being said, things are going great. Although I did have "morning" sickness this time around (I didn't with Ruby) but once December and January passed things were all good. Emotionally I haven't had to deal with the anxiety like I did the first time around (thank god) but I was feeling more depressed for a while so I opted to take Wellbutrin which has seemed to help (along with the end of that ridiculously long winter, more sun, and getting my energy back at the end of Jan). I've been spoiling myself with massage on a regular basis (weekly at this point), a splurge, most definitely, but totally worth it.

I've had the usual doubts that I assume most sane people have when embarking on a journey such as this. There's been lots of "what the hell were we thinking" mostly when dealing with Ruby's terrible threes moments. There was, and still is, stress when it comes to the cost of two kids in daycare (ffffuuuuuuuck!) and unresolved future plans around that. I've felt guilt for having a healthy pregnancy while my SIL and brother lost their first child (we were only 6 weeks apart) and I've been dealing with issues of identity and this whole mom thing, an ongoing challenge in my life.

Ruby is excited to have a brother or a sister (we don't know the sex) but I had to explain to her that there is no "brother AND sister" only "brother OR sister" after several people at her daycare asked me if I was having twins. She was very disappointed by that conversation. All in all I think she will handle being a big sister quite swimmingly, as long as the green-eyed monster doesn't emerge when her favorite-st person EVER, grandpa, holds the baby.

Only a few weeks now, give or take. The next few weeks or however long I have will be spent getting stuff done (major, major nesting going on at this point), relaxing, sleeping, enjoying our time alone with Ruby, and trying to squeeze in time with friends and for just Heath and I. Okay, little one, I think we're going to be shooting more for 'later' rather than 'sooner'...

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